Sadness Sucks

Sadness sucks.

Through my teens and my early twenties I was a pretty depressed and dark person. I attribute some of these feelings to my unresolved gender issues. Other sources of sadness were my sense of being unwanted and unworthy of love by those around me. These feelings grew like a cancer until they were pretty all consuming. The breaking point came one dark summer evening where I seriously considered doing myself in.

With a bit of divine help, I was able to find my way out that place with my head still intact and attached to my neck. I did end up with a few emotional scars from the whole ordeal and at the top of that list was an almost pathological fear of sadness. I guess you could say that I was scared to death of being sad any longer.

Well, life is about balance. Not being able to express sadness is just about as dysfunctional as being stuck in the middle of it. Additionally, not being able to express it doesn't mean that it's not there inside of you. It just means that there is no way to vent it. No way to let it out.

So here I sit, in the middle of a very difficult transition, with stresses and sadness coming out of my ears, and I've got no way to let the feeling out. The tears just don't come. And the blackness is mounting once again.

And I am afraid.