Red Magazine, October 2006
When my discrimination case hit the British Press, Sharon and I were approached by a number of different periodicals interested in hearing the story of our relationship. Although we were more than happy to share the story, we wanted it to be told correctly. The best way that we could think of to do so was to have Sharon write it herself.
After reading some of Sharon's writing samples, Red Magazine, a British glossy similar to Cosmo and Marie Claire, agreed and offered Sharon a nice commission to create a feature story on our relationship and Sharon's feelings surrounding my transition.
The following article is Sharon's first publication in a major glossy magazine, but I'm confident that it won't be her last!
You can find the full text of her story below. Additionally, if you would like to see a scanned file of the cover and the full article, you can download PDF versions of each here and here. Please note that these files are large and far too big to download if you are using a dial-up connection.
This story © Copyright 2006 by Sharon Bussert for Red Magazine.
My Husband is now my Wife
Despite the man she loved becoming a woman, Sharon Bussert is still committed to her marriage. She tells her amazing story.
by Sharon Bussert
Red Magazine, October 2006
“I want to be a woman,” my husband Joshua said to me. Finally, I thought, here was an explanation for his depression and moodiness. Finally he had figured out what was wrong. I didn’t worry about his statement that inside he felt like a woman and he wanted to be one. He was my husband and the father of our 5 children and he was definitely male. That day there was no doubt in my mind that the gender counsellor he’d been seeing would soon help him come to grips with the disappointment he felt at not being born female. I never dreamed that four years on my husband would become Jessica.
I'd known since before we married that Josh had an affinity for wearing women's clothing. I'd never understood why he liked nicking my skirts, but even after his big announcement I didn't put two and two together and figure out that he really wanted to be a woman.
Although we live in London now, at the time we were living in a rural area of the Midwestern United States and trans-sexual people weren’t part of my reality. Reality was running a consulting business and trying to get my five teenagers through school without any major mishaps. For ten years Josh and I had been talking about moving out of the US after the kids finished school. I was happily dreaming of the day when the last child would leave for university, taking with her the piles of laundry and day-to-day drama of turbulent teenage years. Then Josh and I would pack our bags and head for Europe. I innocently believed that his comments would have no real effect on our future.
But my relief at Joshua’s diagnosis was short-lived. I expected the counsellors to sort him out fairly quickly but his depression and moodiness continued and caused serious disruption in our lives. He was grumpy with the kids and I, and he persisted in telling me that he felt he should have been born a woman. So one day I decided to go and meet the counsellor and find out why Josh couldn’t shake his disappointment that he wasn’t female. Maybe, I thought, there was something I should be doing at home to remind him that husbands and fathers are, by definition, male.
After meeting the counsellor I pretty quickly figured out that he didn’t expect he could help Josh live happily as a man. He explained that while Josh had a male body he actually had a female brain and the struggle to reconcile the two was taking a serious toll. Though Josh had managed to suppress Jessica for 35 years, Jessica refused to shut up and she was getting louder and stronger, demanding to be recognised.
Looking back, I think I probably knew then that someday Josh would become female but I denied it and pretended my life was going according to my plan. The older kids had finished school and soon the younger ones would as well. Although Josh and I started talking about places we might move to once the kids were grown, I kept telling myself that this couldn’t really happen to me. My husband could not become my wife. Real life didn’t go that way.
Josh began looking into jobs overseas and in the end he was offered a transfer to the UK offices of his current employer. He ended up needing to move before the kids finished school so I stayed behind, planning to join him two months later. With him away it was easy to pretend to myself that gender issues had never cropped up. As I packed up our household I let myself believe that our decision to move to London was nothing more than our old dream being fulfilled. London would be a great base for travelling around Europe! I denied that our choice had anything to do with the fact that we saw London as a very open and accepting city with strong laws to protect transsexuals.
So I was shocked when I arrived in London and found the wardrobes held not only Josh’s business suits but also his cocktail dresses. The week I arrived he had to be out of town on business so I had plenty of time to pull things out and study them and slowly the realisation that my husband had been going out and doing a lot of shopping for women’s clothes hit me. The false peace I’d felt for the last couple of months dissolved as I realised that he was quite serious about this whole being a woman thing.
Statistics for couples who stay together while one person transitions genders are pretty grim, and our marriage could easily have fallen apart at this point. But Josh did one thing that gave us a fighting chance. “You’re more important to me than any of this gender stuff,” he said. “If you can’t live with it I’ll find a way to keep going as Josh. I’ve done it for 39 years and I’ll keep doing it for 39 more if needed.”
With the reassurance that we would make this decision together we slowed things down and for our first months in London we enjoyed the city and I took some time to learn more about transsexuals and transitioning. Gradually I came to the decision that this was something I should support Josh through. It wasn’t that I suddenly felt comfortable with the idea, but I realised that it wasn’t something he was choosing for himself. It just existed and he didn’t want it any more than I did, but there it was and we had to deal with it. I came to see it as a bus crash—if he were in a bus crash and ended up paralysed I wouldn’t welcome the changes to our life, but neither would I leave because of them. I’d stick with him and make the best of our life together. This was our bus crash and together we would find a way to deal with the changes we faced.
With that decision everything kicked into high gear and suddenly I found myself on fast forward, heading toward my new life with a woman partner. Over just a few months Josh talked to his employer about his upcoming transition and scheduled an appointment with a leading surgeon for facial feminisation surgery (FFS). Then we had to talk to our children, none of whom had any idea that their dad was a trans-sexual.
There are moments in life when you find out whether you’ve taught your kids the values you want them to have and telling our kids that their Dad was about to become their Mum was definitely one of those moments. “Dad,” one of the kids said, “I must not have showed you how much I love you if you think this would make a difference in how I feel about you.” I’m proud to say that all of the kids accepted the news well and that they are learning to negotiate the awkward moments that can arise when they introduce a friend to their new mum.
In March 2005 we flew to San Francisco for Josh’s facial feminisation surgery and breast augmentation. I was keenly aware that while I was leaving the UK with a husband I would be returning with a wife. The weeks leading up to the surgery were incredibly difficult for me. In theory I understood why Josh wanted FFS. Without it there was no way he would ever look feminine. He had a huge square jaw, a prominent Adam’s apple, receding hairline and jutting brow. FFS would change those features, softening the jaw and brow line, moving the hairline forward, removing the Adam’s apple. It all made sense, but the thought of Josh’s face going away made me incredibly sad. I’d been looking at that face for years. I’d fallen in love with that face (and the person behind it) and in San Francisco I was going to say goodbye to it. In its place would be Jessica’s new face and neither of us knew what Jessica would look like. That’s one of the hard things about FFS. You have to trust the surgeon to do his best, but surgeons are unable to show you what the end result will look like.
Besides not knowing what face I'd be coming home with we were both stressed out over the expenses. Jessica's facial surgery and breast augmentation were costing nearly 25,000 Pounds, most of it borrowed, and that was just the start of Jessica's surgeries. We had discussed the possibility of her having vocal surgery to feminize her voice and after living full-time as Jessica for a couple of years she would face sexual reassignment surgery.
In the first months after the surgery I avoided looking at photos of Joshua. I couldn’t look at his old face without wanting to cry, but now, more than a year later, I’m able to enjoy photos of both Josh and Jessica.
Our relationship is strong and Jess and I are committed to staying together. Occasionally incredulous people ask 'why would you stay with Jessica after she's done this' and I think to myself Why wouldn't I stay with her? She's a beautiful and caring person and we love each other. Leaving Jessica would make my life different, but it wouldn't make it better.
I can see the good that came from Josh transitioning into Jessica, though it hasn’t been a smooth road. Jessica is a more tender person than Josh ever was. She’s more loving and less self-centered. She’s able to share her feelings in a way that Joshua never was. He was always too busy being ‘manly’ and making sure hints of Jessica didn’t escape. On the fun side, Jessica has an all-new wardrobe and she’s willing to share, so I get to borrow skirts, handbags and jewellery whenever I want.
But the transition hasn’t all been good. At work Jessica has allegedly suffered discrimination and been victimised. She’s currently involved in the largest lawsuit ever filed for trans-sexual discrimination and due to the problems at work she’s been diagnosed with workplace related anxiety and stress. On the advice of her doctor she’s been on sick leave and she’s no longer being paid, so thoughts of any future surgeries are on hold.
So in the midst of seeing Jessica’s positive changes we’re faced with an uncertain future. As Americans living in Britain we aren’t entitled to any government benefits and our savings have been rapidly spent as we await the outcome of Jess’s tribunal hearing. Financially the smart thing would be to pack up and go back to the US where we’d have a lower cost of living and more support from family and friends, but Jessica and I won’t go. Together we’re committed to seeing her case through to the end, hoping that in some small way we can change the world for future transsexuals.
I’m proud of Jessica for standing up for her rights. Joshua was always the first to speak up against injustice and the first to lend a helping hand. Watching Jessica do the same I can see that Jessica didn’t erase Joshua, she encompassed him. The person I married is still there with the added benefit of being more comfortable with who she is. Only the packaging has changed.
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