My Letter to Family and Close Friends

I have a story that I'd like to tell you. Why? Because you are a person that I care about or respect. Perhaps you are one of the people in my life whom I love. A member of my family. A friend. Perhaps you are all of these. In any case, I have a story that I'd like to tell you about myself.

In the last few years I've made one of the most important decisions of my life. But before I go into that, I'd like to give you a bit of background. For those of you who have just had your heart rate jump up to 110, don't worry. I've got big news, but it's good news. Trust me…

Ok, first off I need to go back quite a few years. I need to tell you about little Josh. When I was just a little kid, I was different than the rest. Sure, everyone is unique, but I was *really* unique! I was pretty socially awkward. I was a scrawny, pencil-thin, geeky kid that was pretty brainy, but not very smart. You know the type… I played Dungeons & Dragons. I was good at the computer. I was even an A/V assistant, that's how geeky I was!

Well, although I was brainy, I wasn't smart enough to keep my mouth shut when I should have. As a result, I made a lot of enemies with the thug crowd. They would give me shit (just like they did all the geeks) but I'd turn around and give it right back to them. As a result, I got my ass kicked pretty often. To be honest, school before the tenth or eleventh grade pretty much sucked.

That said, I did finally learn some sense. Or maybe I should call it survival skills. You be the judge after you finish reading the story.

About the time that I was just starting high school I heard a quote from Cary Grant. Now, I wasn't much of a Cary Grant fan, but I knew that in addition to the movies, he was considered some legendary ladies man and often equated with style, class, and substance. At the time, I must have been listening to some biography program or movie history piece and they started talking about Grant. I wasn't really paying attention until they got to this part where they quoted him describing his childhood. Mr. Cary Grant proceeded to tell the world that when he was a kid, he was a socially awkward little nerd who often got beat up by his peers! When he was ask how he managed to completely change that perception, he said that it had been simple. He just started observing those people around him that he considered classy, and he started to emulate them… and before too long, it start to stick! Heck, he just started to *act* cool, and it came true!

Ok, now those of you who have known me since college may have the impression that I'm a pretty social person. Some folks think of me as fun to be around. I've been told that I'm the life of the party. I've even got a fair number of people who come to me for advice and counsel! Sheesh!

Some of you might still be stuck back in that paragraph above where I called myself a geeky little A/V nerd. Believe it. Heck, talk to the folks from West Side Junior High… they'll tell you. That is, if they even remember me. It is true. But it didn't stay that way.

After I heard the wisdom of Mr. Grant, I started to really look at the people around me. I was discriminate. I focused on the popular kids, but not the popular thug kids. By that time, I hated those cruel bastards enough that I didn't want anything to do with them, except perhaps to drive over them repeatedly with a monster truck. Instead, I watched the good kids that were still part of the in-crowd. You know, the ones that seemed destined for the good colleges, the right jobs, the country clubs. I tried to focus on the ones who made being popular seem easy and fun.

And do you know what? Mr. Grant's advice seemed to work! Of course, all of my old tormentors didn't give a damn… they just went on treating me like shit. And the kids that I had went to school with since elementary all still knew me as a geek. There was no changing history! But the magic happened when I got into an environment where no one previously knew me. When I met new folks, I acted like I had observed the popular kids acting. I was friendly and social, I was interested in what other people had to say, I tried to suggest fun and interesting things to do, and occasionally I would propose something just a bit ornery or edgy in order to keep things interesting.

Realize that because I had spent most of my life being abused by shithead bastards, I was pretty sympathetic and empathetic to those around me. I never wanted to do things that would hurt other people.

Well, as a result of all of this, I started to make friends. Let me tell you, that was really nice! And by the time that I got to college and put a lot of that old history behind me, I was really able to blossom.

Now I realize that this might start sounding a little vain. I apologise for that, but it's important to the story that I give you a little history. Anyway, most of you know me as a little bit cocky. You probably aren't surprised at all that I'm talking this way! Deal with it… I'm almost done with this part anyway.

Alright, so that brings me to today. I've got some really special people in my life. People whom I love. I've got a number of good friends. And I've got a lot nice acquaintances scattered here and there. I meet people easily, and I usually get along with folks pretty well. For those of you who have been to Sharon and my Fourth of July parties, you know what I'm talking about. And even though I won’t give him all of the credit, I have to accept that I owe a great deal to the idle comment of a long-dead movie star.

So what does this all have to do with my big news? I'm getting to it! I'm getting to it! Be patient, and don't you dare skip ahead!

Ok, so I learned how to emulate people that I respected, looked up to, or sometimes even envied. Was I a big fat faker? You know, I don't really think so. I never changed my values to fit in. I didn't compromise my beliefs. I just changed the window dressing.

And I learned how to hide behind that social veneer.

Now you see, it wasn't just geekyness that I was hiding. I was different in a much more significant way than just being a little socially awkward. And where it took me maybe 15 years to see the value in hiding my geekyness, I was smart enough to hide those other differences at a much, much younger age. Even as a small child I could tell that the world didn't find my other differences even the slightest bit acceptable.

Ok, so where do I begin? Well, let's start with sex. First off, I was much more aware of sex, and at a much earlier age, than the vast percent of my so-called peers. Right or wrong, Dad always had a pretty big collection of men's magazines lying around the house, and I was 'borrowing' these when most of the other kids were still playing with their G.I. Joes.

Now, understand that I love women. Everything about them is just fascinating to me. I love to look at them. I love to hear them talk. I love the way they dress, the way they move, and the way they feel. In general, I just love women! Dad's magazines were all about women, including this 'secret' side of them that little boys my age were not supposed to know about…

Today, I understand that men's magazines offer a pretty messed-up view of women. But back then I didn't have a clue. It was in print and it was in a magazine for adults, so it had to be true. Boy, did I get that one wrong!

Now, these magazines had more than just the full color, pull-out pictorials in them.

They had letters.

Why am I telling you this? It's kind of personal, isn't it? Well, yeah, it is. But this whole letter to you is personal. If it is making you too uncomfortable, I really must apologise. Stop reading if you must, but if you want to understand me then you really need to go on. I'll keep it tame, or at least not very explicit.

Ok, back to the story.

These letters were just like the rest of the magazines. A pretty skewed view of women and sexuality. But as a little kid, I didn't realize this. I thought that I had found the hidden secret guide to the mysterious world of sex! And as any little boy will tell you, the hidden secret guide to sex is the coolest, neatest, thing in the world! Why? We didn't know… but it was, still the same! Heck, everybody knew that, didn't they? At least that's what the other kids were saying…

Being the coolest, neatest thing in the world, I devoured those magazines. I looked at all the pictures. I read every story and letter. Heck, I even memorized the best parts!

And it kind of messed me up.

Now, listen, I'm not blaming Larry Flynt and Hugh Heffner for all the problems in my life. And I'm not blaming my folks for not doing a better job at controlling my access to these things. But I am saying that kids don't need to be forming their views on sexuality from the pages of Hustler magazine. If you, an adult, want to consume those things, it's definitely alright by me. Just don't leave the job of teaching your kids to the magazines. Teach them yourselves.

Sorry for that little public service announcement. I'll get back to the story.

Ok, so as I said, it kind of messed me up. How so? Well, as I read about two-somes and three-somes, affairs and orgies, transvestites and hookers, I was fascinated by it all. And at that age I was certain that this was the way that all adult sexuality was supposed to be. After all, I had read it in an adult magazine! I thought that this stuff was normal. Well, that alone is pretty messed up.

Mom and Dad loved us kids very much. I never went wanting for hugs and kisses from either of them, and "I love you" was spoken often and with sincerity. But in the same way that my kids could honestly tell you all of the numerous ways I screwed up as a parent, my folks weren’t perfect either. When it came to topic of sexuality, they were pretty silent.

As a result, I never had anyone countering all of the advice that Heffner and Flynt were giving me. To this day, my attitudes toward the whole spectrum of sex are either pretty progressive, very liberal, or totally perverted depending upon what your personal opinions on the subject are.

You can see, as a little kid I was forming some pretty wacked-out views on the subject of carnal knowledge. I knew that a little kid wasn't supposed to know all this stuff, and so I just kept it to myself. All this was just more stuff to hide away, to bury deep inside, and eventually feel really guilty about. Not a very healthy view on sexuality, eh?

Now there were two positive things that those magazines did give me. The first was a sense of pride that I knew things that my peers didn't. At that age, especially given the fact that I didn't fit in with the other kids, a sense of pride over anything was valuable. And over something as secret as mysterious as sex was just priceless. You might not understand, but it was true.

And the second? Well, the second thing that Playboy and Penthouse Forum gave me was an awareness that I wasn't alone. You see, in a very, very few of those stories and letters, the writers spoke of a kind of person that shared something in common with me. Tucked away amid the heterosexual midget mud wrestlers, the gay drag queens, and the over sixty swingers crowd, were a group of folks who told a different story. Their story had to do with being born different. They told about trying to find their way in an otherwise confusing and hostile world. They told my story.

Ok, so what am I getting at? Well, in the pages of those magazines, I discovered that there were other folks in the world that were confused about their gender identity… just like I was. Just like I am.

Oh my! I can just about hear the multitudes of feet running away just as fast as their little legs can carry them! The doors will be slamming closed next! My only question is, "who will be left when the dust settles?"

Well, if you are still reading this, I hope that you stick with it for just a little while longer. I might ease a few of your fears, and I might answer a few of your questions. If nothing else, you'll end up knowing something very important about me that just about got buried forever…

Ok, to restate what I said a few lines ago, I am gender confused (emphasize confused… not decided, ok? This is an important distinction that I'll come back to later). The head shrinkers call this gender dysphoric. Others call it transgendered. I just call it messed up. For those of you who haven't caught on yet, I'm telling you that from my youngest memories, I just wanted to be a girl.

I wanted to be a girl. I Wanted To Be A Girl! I WANTED TO BE A GIRL!!!

Get the picture? Just like all of those folks that we eventually saw on Jerry Springer and Oprah Winfrey.

Ok, so I've just told you about the three things in my life that I had always felt needed to be hidden from the world. First, I was a geek that didn't fit in. Second, as a kid, I was a sexual nutcase who grew up thinking that just about anything was ok. Finally, from my youngest years I have always wanted to be a girl.

Well, the scariest part is over, and let me tell you, it's nice to finally have all that off of my chest…

Alright, from here on out I'm going to focus on the gender issues. I'm pretty sure that these are the ones that caught most of you off guard. They are probably also the ones that you have the most questions about. For me, they are the oldest of the hidden things, and most likely a significant part of the foundation that the others were built on. Finally, they are the most important and difficult ones for me at this moment in my life.

On with the story…

So here you have this little kid growing up in the Midwest, USA with all of these confusing thoughts and issues about gender going on in his head. Heck, at the time I probably didn't even know what the word "gender" meant! Well, I didn't really have anyone that I could talk to about these things. So the only information that I could find on the subject came from the adult magazines that I read and the popular media. Hmm… can you imagine what kind of self image I started to form?

Freak. Weirdo. Pervert.

Nice, eh?

You see, the world doesn't really have that much nice to say about us. In society's view, especially in the 70's and 80's, transpeople were much more freakish than most of the other vilified subgroups. We were the butt of the joke in countless movies. Advertisements used us to typify the ridiculous and the comic. Hate crimes were committed against us. Churches condemned us. People laughed at the freaks. And this is the world I grew up in. And these were the words and images that I started to use to describe myself.

I've wondered if I was a comic perversion. I've wondered if I was going to burn in hell. I've hated myself. I've even laughed at myself. Laughing was easier than crying.

At various points in the last forty odd years, I've wanted to run away and disappear from everyone. I've thrown all my clothes, books, and other stuff away. I've felt like checking into a mental hospital, and I've come very close to doing so. I've wished that I could just die. On numerous occasions, I've thought about hurrying up the process of dying.

So, why didn't I just pull the trigger? I almost did. But during my darkest time, and at the very last moment, I finally asked for help. Some of you have heard the story of my first real chat with God. In the past I've left out the part that gender played in it. Suffice it to say that life was pretty generally sucky at the time and I didn't want to go on with it. In that moment of despair, I prayed for help and, miracles!, my prayer was answered.

Now I'm gonna get a little theological on ya for a moment, but it's important to what I have to say. That night, so long ago, I asked God how I could live my life and be happy doing so. God's answer to me was that I should stop spending my time focused on all the crap, and instead try to focus on the blessings that life had to offer. This might sound like a pretty straight forward bit of advice, but let me tell you, it's been almost 17 years since I received that diamond of wisdom, and I'm still trying to fully understand it. Each day brings a new awareness of the joys around me and the richness of God's first message to me. I had one such revelation about four years ago that is particularly appropriate to this story.

I had just left the office of a councillor whom I had been meeting with for about a year. I was feeling pretty down on myself because I felt like I was never going to be able to resolve my various issues. The gender and sexuality things were weighing heavy on me, and I just wanted to be rid of them. Even today, I can tell you quite sincerely that if it were possible to be done with all that stuff, to just be vanilla, to be normal, I'd do so in an instant. Life would be so much simpler, believe me! Well, on this day I was praying hard to be done with it all. I pretty much hated myself for my differences, and I just wanted God to make it all right. To make me normal.

So, while I was praying, a wonderful thing started to happen. I started to feel loved. I started to understand that I had given more to the world than I had taken. I began to understand that it was ok for me to be proud of myself. Not too proud, mind you… I am only human! But proud just the same. I am a good person and I deserve to be loved and, more importantly, I deserve to love myself. I also began to understand that I was made this way. This is who I am, and I am loved regardless. I began to recognize that I would *never* treat another human being as harshly as I treat myself, and quite frankly, I wouldn't stand for anyone else treating me or another that poorly either. This left me wondering why I somehow felt that it was ok for me to treat myself so horribly.

Finally, I began to wonder if God never intended to wave a magic wand over my head and heal me of all these differences. Perhaps I was made this way for a purpose. Perhaps I wasn't supposed to fight against, to destroy, this part of me that seems to be so very integral to who I am. Could it be that God's real plan for me was to just stop hating myself? Maybe my real challenge was to learn to love myself as I was created?

Do you know, I had never previously even considered this as a possibility. And at the time, it was so foreign of a concept that I couldn't even really take it all in. I began to wonder if I was maybe just rationalizing. If, in my weakness, I was just trying to justify my feelings and actions.

But then I began to ask myself why? Why would God make me this way, if this wasn't part of His plan? Why would a kind and loving Creator put me through so much pain? When I thought about that last question, the answer seemed pretty simple… God wasn't putting me though anything. It was me that was hating myself, not God hating me. It was the crappy prejudices of the world putting me though all of this shit. God loves me, otherwise He would have just let me pull the trigger over a dozen years before.

Ok, so in the end I finally made a few important decisions. First, I needed to start to learn to love and accept myself as I was, as I am. Second, I needed to accept that I, being a fallible human being prone to make a few mistakes here and there, might be wrong about this whole acceptance thing. Perhaps I really was rationalizing. But if that were the case, then the final decision was to offer it all up to God and ask Him for forgiveness in the areas where I have gone astray. After all, I was already convinced that we all need His mercy and grace, and that none of us are heading in the right direction without it.

Ok, those last few paragraphs might have been a bit confusing. Let me recap a few of the more important points. First, I believe that God loves me and wants me to be happy. Next, I believe I should focus more on the joy in life than on the crap. I believe that I have just reason to be proud of many of the things that I have done and accomplished in my life. I believe that I deserve to be loved and to love myself. I feel that God's will is for me to learn to love and accept myself as I am. Finally, I believe that I occasionally make mistakes, and if this is one of them, then I pray for God's forgiveness.

Whew! That was a mouthful! But, I think it pretty much sums up all the theology in this story.

Ok, so since that time four years back, I've decided to take a different approach in my life. A lot has happened since then. As we've come this far already, it would be a shame to stop the story now, eh? (the remaining crowd groans… "When will he ever shut up?", they wonder?) So, here are a few things that I have done, am doing, and am considering for the future.

First off, I have continued counselling. The first thing I wanted to accomplish was to validate the assumptions and beliefs that I've just outlined above. You know, when you are thinking about taking major life changing actions, it's a good idea to get a second opinion! After that was complete and I got my certificate that I wasn't a complete and total nutcase, I was ready to take the next step. I asked for a referral to a gender clinic down in Bloomington.

Now understand, I take this stuff pretty seriously. I didn't just ask for a referral for any old clinic… I went straight to the top. I went to the Kinsey Institute on Gender Studies at IU, and for the better part of a year before we left for London I was meeting with the director of the place. Well, you can't get much more authoritative on the subject than that! Today, I am continuing with counselling here in London. And once again, I am meeting with one of the most respected leaders in the area of gender studies.

Why am I spending all this time and money? Because I want to be sure of what I want before I go and do anything drastic. I've known of people who didn't take the time and ended up quite sorry for their rash actions. I don't want to go there myself.

Ok, so what am I doing now? What are the next steps?

Well, before I left the States, I received a prescription for hormones. I filled it, but I didn't start taking it. It sat on my shelf in Indiana for quite a while, and then it sat on my shelf here for even longer. But after much prayer, and a lot of thinking, I began the medication back in June. I've been on it (and others) since that time.

In addition to the drugs, (you all always knew I was on drugs, didn't you?) I've also been attending a support group here in London. The group has been helpful, but as in any collection of people, there are those who have their head on straight and those who don't. I'll leave it to you to decide which set I belong to!

Currently I am considering taking the next major step in this process. It's called (and I'm not kidding), the "Real Life Test". This is one of the scariest parts of the process. Up to this point, I could do what I needed to do in relative secrecy. When I go to the doctor, I don't need to tell my friends and co-workers exactly *what* kind of doctor I am seeing. The effects of the drugs can be hidden with loose fitting clothes. I can even joke off questions about my hair. I often just go around telling people that I'm a long haired hippie throwback to the 60's! They get a good laugh, and I keep my privacy.

But there is no privacy with the "Real Life Test". That's because during the RLT you're expected to lead the life you are considering for an entire year. Full time, 24/7, for an entire year. Ouch!

This process, although painful, is important. It's there to weed out those people who have a fantasy that doesn't necessarily match up with the reality. Some doctors won't even prescribe the hormones to someone who hasn't already begun the RLT.

Personally, it terrifies me.

Understand, I'm not terrified for me. I am absolutely certain that I want to do this. And in a perfect world, one where I was the only one impacted, I would have done so long ago. But this isn't a perfect world, and I'm not alone in it. I'm terrified because of the price that others will have to pay. What will this do to Sharon? Or the kids? My extended family and friends? This is why I am so hesitant to begin this process.

This sounds like a good time to talk about my family and friends.

Let's start with Sharon. As you all know, I am completely and totally in love with Sharon. She is the light in my life, and a blessing from God. I never want to live without her. And she is the only thing that would keep me from moving forward with this. If she said "no", then that would be the answer. Luckily for me, she hasn't said "no" up to this point. In fact, instead of saying "no", Sharon supports me. She understands that this is an integral part of me that isn't going away. This is part of who I am. And she loves me for who I am. Personally, I know that I am the most blessed person on the planet.

How will this effect Sharon? Well, there is the obvious. But we haven't made *that* decision yet, and there is a lot of question whether or not we ever will. I don't want to get into our personal and private lives here in this letter, but suffice it to say that we have gotten through tough things in the past and we'll get through this. We are completely committed to one another. We are in love and we will remain together.

If you feel the need to know more, ask us privately sometime. We might just tell you to mind your own business!

There are a lot of other impacts to Sharon. She will have to go through much of the same difficulties that I will. How will the family respond? Will we still be accepted? Or will we just make everyone uncomfortable? Worse yet, will people outright reject us? I'm sure that some will. That's the worse part. And where I can be a little more callous about it (after all, if they reject me as I am, who needs 'em anyway?), Sharon hasn't done anything to merit anyone's scorn.

This is actually the worse part for me. I know that this will hurt Sharon, and I hate the fact that I want something (need something?) so much that has such potential to hurt my wife/lover/partner/friend. The only analogy that I can think of is that I'm about to cause a car accident, and she and I both are going to need physical therapy afterwards. I hate this.

And yet, she still supports me. Of all people, she is the one who understands me most. And who loves me the most. I owe her just about everything.

In addition to all the emotional and social impacts, there is also the monetary impact that we both feel. Let me tell you, this is not a cheap process! The doctors are very expensive! The drugs aren't so bad, but the other treatments are hella costly! Other treatments? At the top of that list is hair removal. Let me tell you, facial hair removal is very, very expensive, and it is the single most painful process that I have ever willing undertaken! If electrolysis doesn't weed out the wannabees, I don't know what would!

It's not just the cost of the various treatments. It's also the threat to our income. There is a lot of prejudice out there, and the work place is no exception. While there are non-discrimination laws on the books in some few places (England is one of them), that doesn't stop people from being cruel. It doesn't usually stop people from passing you over for that promotion. Or just not renewing your work permit. All in all, being transgendered isn't the best thing that one could do for their career.

So as you can see, Sharon is perhaps the most impacted person in this whole mess. Maybe even more so than me.

After Sharon, the most important people in my life are my kids. What price will they have to pay? I can't even begin to imagine the impact of learning that your father is "one of those kind of people". Will they accept me? Can we all learn to deal with the possible changes? Or, instead, will they kick me out of their lives? If they do, what will it cost them to do so? How will it impact their lives? Or even the lives of my grandkids?

I waited for over twenty years before addressing these issues in my life. In large part, the decision to wait was made because I had responsibilities to the kids. Heck, I still do. But I've come to a time in my life when I need to ask, "do I continue to live for them, or do I need to start to living for me"? While it's perhaps not as black-and-white as all this, I hope they are ready. Because I think I need to start living for me a bit more.

I love my kids and I'll always be here for them. I accept them for the people that they are and the people that they'll become. I hope that when they read this letter, they choose to accept me as well.

Alright, as far as the rest of the folks who will be impacted to some greater or lesser degree by my decisions, I don't really have a whole lot to say. It's my life. I hope you all still want to be my friends. In fact, I hope that you are the kind of people who would stick with me and wish me the best. But I can't live my life based upon your wants, beliefs, desires, hopes, ideas, or anything else. I'm still the same person inside. Shouldn't that be enough?

Hmm, it seems that I'm getting close to the end of this little novella. There are a few loose ends that I'd like to tie up before I go.

Some pages back I mentioned that I have gender confusion, not decision… What the heck did I mean by that? Exactly what it sounds like. If I were alone in the world, I wouldn't have any confusion at all. As I said above, from my youngest years I've always wanted this. But, thank God, I'm not alone in the world! I have a large number of people that I love and care about, and I really don't want to give any of them up. I don't want to hurt any of them either. So where does that leave me? In a very confusing place! Currently I'm taking baby-steps to try and test the waters. My next big decision is whether or not to start the real life test, and if so, when to actually do it. That's a real spooky one for me, because it means telling *everone* including work. UGH! Right now, I haven't made any permanent decisions with the possible exception of telling you all. I can't really undo that! Currently, I'm praying for guidance, wisdom, love, and support. I'd really welcome it if you all chose to offer a few prayers up for me as well!

Also, at the very start of this letter I told you all that I have some good news to tell you. After hearing it all, you might be a bit dubious about the "good" part. Well, it's true. This is very good news! I'm sick and tired of living a lie. I'm fed up with living my life based upon other people's expectations. I'm nearly 40 years old and I'm finally starting to live for myself. Believe me, this is very good news. And not just for me alone. Sharon and I have grown closer still, and I attribute part of it to a new level of openness, mutual compassion, and ultimately, a higher level of love. This is all good news. Be glad for me.

Well, I think that just about wraps it up. I could go on and on about this subject. After all, it's taken up most of my life dealing with it. But, I'm tired of writing and I just want to quit thinking about this all for a bit. If you have questions for me, feel free to ask. As before, I might or I might not answer. Please don't be offended if I abstain. It is a rather personal subject, isn't it?

In closing I just want to say that I'm only sending this out to a very select few people. People I feel safe with telling the most frightening secrets of my life. I hope that you feel honoured, because you have been. I haven't shared this with everyone, and I want to keep it that way for now. Please respect my wishes and just keep this just between the two of us.

Thank you for listening to my story, and thank you very much for being my friend.

With love and respect, Josh