Sharon's Letter to Family

Dear Family,

There are a few things I’d like to add about this news and I hope you’ll take the time to read this.

Many of you haven’t actually had the opportunity to know Josh well, so I’d like to tell you that Josh is a wonderful person. Josh has always been the guy who would stop along the road and help you with a flat tire while everyone else rushed past, ignoring you. Josh is the sort of person who could go on a mission trip to Haiti and hear God asking him to help out. Josh is the person who not only worked in the homeless shelter but knew the names of the people who stayed there and spoke to them when he saw them on the street. Josh is the sort of person who actually got off the couch to go to city meetings and speak out against discrimination in our community while other people sat in front of their TV giving lip service to equality. I could go on and on, because frankly the list of good Josh has brought to our world is long.

Josh has been one of the most Christian people I know, not because he’s always in church on Sunday (though he is), but because Josh has taken Christ’s message into his heart and lives it, even if the person before him is dirty or insane or helpless. And now Jessica is the same soul even though the body has changed. Jessica takes Christ’s message into her heart and lives it and she is a wonderful person. Being a transsexual person doesn’t change that, and Jessica deserves our love and respect.

One of the first reactions many people have to Josh’s news is that it’s disgusting and perverted. This comes mainly from a lack of understanding of transsexual people and a common misconception in society that transsexuals are the same as drag queens or transvestites and that drag queens and transvestites are “weirdoes”. The truth is that transsexuals are suffering from a medically recognized condition that researchers believe exists from before birth. It’s not a lifestyle choice people make. Though many transsexuals manage to suppress their gender dysphoria for years very few manage to do that for life. It’s not that Josh suddenly made a choice to be a woman, it’s that after years of trying to suppress his dysphoria it eventually was too much.

This decision wasn’t made quickly or lightly. Josh and I have been talking about this for several years and have been actively working with counselors and medical professionals. This wasn’t something Josh “forced” on us. It’s something we both have carefully considered and have decided is the best course to take.

One thing that virtually everyone wants to know is why I would choose to stay with Josh. Most people seem to think that’s simply impossible. It is true that only a small percentage of couples stay together when one is transgendered. Certainly it’s added a lot of stress to our lives. So why am I still with Jess?

People don’t stay the same over the years. Of course I never foresaw THIS particular change, but I always expected Josh would change over the years. People go bald. They put on weight. Accidents or illness interfere and change a family’s lifestyle. Often couples develop different values and goals over the years and those changes push them apart.

Despite this particular challenge in our relationship I feel really fortunate that Josh and I, after nearly 15 years of marriage, are much closer than we were when we first married. We share the same values and many of the same goals. We’ve grown closer over the years, rather than apart, and at the end of the day, when I look at our friends and see them dealing with issues of addiction, infidelity and life-threatening illness I feel fortunate that we don’t have those problems in our relationship. I don’t feel sorry for myself because my spouse is transgendered. I feel fortunate that we are so close to one another and that we can support each other through tough times.

I don’t believe I would be happier without Jess. Life with Jess is good and life without Jess would just be different, not necessarily better. I’m not here because I’m trapped. I choose to stay with Jess.

Family has always been very important to both Jess and I. We knew when we made this decision that some people might not accept it and might choose to not see us in the future. I hope that won’t be the case with our family. We really want to see you in the future and we welcome your questions and comments. Jess has a really nice website that gives information on transsexuals in general and her own personal history. If you’d like to look at it the address is www.bussert.com/jessica. You can also e-mail us. My e-mail is xxxxxxxxxxxxx (please don’t sign me up any mailing lists!)

I hope that after the initial shock wears off you will be able to understand this issue and will welcome both Jess and I to family events in the future. Hope to see you when we’re home next Christmas.

Love, Sharon